Dealing with Loss,

I was 12, I remember the day distinctly and I remember the year like it was just yesterday. I didn't go see her, I couldn't. I couldn't see the best person in my life dying and this is the biggest regret I have ever made and I have cut myself so deeply for ever thinking that not seeing her meant she'd still be here. 

I'm not talking about my mother, I'm talking about my Grandmother. I guess, I've never fully dealt with the loss, I've just always pushed it back. Like not talking about it meant it never happened and admitting I never went to see her meant I was normal. 

Facebook is one of the main reasons why I'm writing this. I just feel like my family has moved on, have dealt with her passing and me, I'm still moving on. I see them post photos on her birthday and say R.I.P on the date she passed away. Then there's me. I can't let myself post that because that means she's never coming back. I need her to come back. 
This year was the first time in 9 years I finally posted a picture, I posted it on instagram and it tore me apart. I bawled. I haven''t fully dealt with this loss and I don't think I ever will. I feel like my life doesn't consist if my favourite person isn't there. I feel like no matter what ahppens I will always be disappointed in myself. Disappointed she can't meet Max. Disappointed she can't see how far I've come. Disappointed I can't go to her grave. Disappointed I never went and saw her. 
This post has taken like 4 tries and each time I end in tears. 
So I'm going to end it here with a song that reminds me of her and makes me cry every single time. 

I will love you forever, R.I.P

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